6 years ago...

These beautiful girls were laid to rest. One of my only regrets was that we were too heartbroken to include anyone else in on their funeral and burial. I think it kept a lot of people distanced from us, which was not our intent, but the pain was just too raw for us to be around others.

Not long ago, I heard a song  called "My story." It wasn't the first time that I heard it, but that morning, driving to work, it rang so true.

If I told you my story
You would hear hope that wouldn't let go
If I told you my story
You would hear love that never gave up
If I told you my story
You would hear life but it wasn't mine

Every time before, I heard it as it was written, that our stories were really a testament to how God works in our lives.

To tell you my story is to tell of Him
....
This is my story this is my song praising my Savior all the day long

But that day... that first verse... that was our story! Not just of the love God has for us, but how we were able to experience that hope, love, and life through our daughters. And we were so blessed that they became a part of our story!

Their lives were also the answer to a prayer I prayed a decade earlier... sound crazy enough? Hang with me here...

As I sat in the student union at a meeting of Intervarsity Christian Fellowship, a speaker from National Right to Life shared. Now as a Catholic raised in the era of Pope John Paul II, I already had a heart for the sanctity of all human life. As she spoke, my heart was moved to prayer... that if ever presented with a choice of abortion, that i would choose life. I would bless a baby with life, who otherwise might be a "choice." Now at that moment, I knew how crazy that prayer sounded. I said to myself "What did I just ask God for?" and trust me, a fatal prenatal diagnosis never crossed my mind... I just spoke what was on my heart.

Fast forward ten years... the second baby that we had waited over a year for turned out to be our second and third babies, but there was no joy in that announcement. It came with the decisive "there's a problem." After a week of appointments and evaluation by some world class physicians, it was definitive: if our daughters survived to birth, they wouldn't live for long.

But every second was worth it. I wouldn't trade one precious memory of my girls for the world. We had three months to treasure them growing in my belly, and made special plans for their birth to capture every possible memory. So my prayer now, 16 years after my crazy college prayer, was that every parent would have the strength, support, and opportunity to carry their baby to term. Because...

If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
If told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
If I told you my story
You would hear life overcome the grave
...
To tell you my story is to tell of Him

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jIHmYBKkGa8

It's THAT year... and I only realized it the other day...

Today. It was the LAST Friday, October 9th, that life was normal.  I've experienced five October 9ths since then, but this is the first time it has fallen on a Friday.  It's funny how these little things spark feelings, emotions, and bring me back to that day.
Today,  6 years ago, was  the last time my OB let a patient schedule a routine 18-week ultrasound late on a Friday afternoon, especially when he wasn't on call that weekend. And our little family had the last Friday night of life as we knew it.
That's all I can write for now,  because it's too close to 4 o'clock...

Remembering...

As I wait for Jillian to drift off to sleep, I have a chance to reflect on the last few days. We attended the annual Candle Lighting Ceremony last night at CHOP, which is held in conjunction with the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting at 7 pm, creating a "wave of light" across the globe.

The opportunity to remember our children who have gone before us is so special, especially since so many of us share the experience of losing a baby.
Tom and I were astounded by the numbers of new names and faces this year, especially of babies.
And when Abigail and Bethany's picture came up,  I couldn't help but think that they must look so different now, so grown up.

A few weeks ago the kids and I watched "Is Heaven for Real?" and it really got me thinking... about what it is like for my girls now that they are with Jesus. And sometimes I even get a little jealous! But then I look at their sweet baby sister sleeping, and I know that God has a LOT of work left for me here on earth!

Speaking of sleep, I'm the only one in the house not sleeping right now, so i better take care of that!

Oh my, it's been awhile

You know it's been a long time since you've blogged when your oldest has lost 6 teeth (and grown four back in) and your youngest is now walking and talking (she was just learning to smile and coo last time I posted).  And her tooth count currently escapes me... maybe 9?

I still struggle with the awkwardness having only two out of my four kids so I say things like my youngest and my oldest... Because they're not my first and second and they're not my only two kids. No matter how much time goes on I still don't feel like one of those moms that can say "and we have two in heaven".  And speaking of those two, it's hard to believe that Abigail and Bethany would be almost 4 years old. I look at their baby sister and see how fast she's growing it reminds me that they would be preschoolers by now!

While I can't speak for anyone else, I know that Jilli reminds me of her sisters. What is completely strange thing to say... There are just things she does that are so different than Tommy. I've always felt that Abby on Bethy had two very distinct personalities, and it honestly feels like Jilli has a little of them both. I know that when I give her extra kisses her sisters know that I'm sharing some with them.

I still believe path of my life will continue to turn because of my daughters. So I continue to try to be patient and obedient to God's will and know that He will open doors in His time (meanwhile I wonder sometimes if the door is open and He's just going to have to shove me out of it).

I have, maybe, finally learned that I am completely and wholly dependent on God. I did not get through the day without Him holding me up and sustaining me. On a good day I'm able to feel His joy and love and share that with others... to love others with the love of Christ. On a bad day I know that I made it through because He carried me.  You'd think I would have learned this lesson when He sustained me through the loss of two children... But somewhere in the pain of grief some lessons get lost or forgotten or just hard to work into your daily life.

While I'm still uncertain where His path may lead me, I feel there's more clarity in following it.  Now, we'll see if I feel the same way tomorrow... You never know when that fog might roll in again!

Growth spurt!

Now 6 weeks old, our beautiful baby girl Jillian is definitely going through another growth spurt!  She has spent a majority of the day eating or sleeping, which is a big change from the long periods of being awake and active that have become her norm.  She's probably also enjoying some peace and quiet since her big brother is visiting grandparents:)
We're all pretty worn out, but loving every minute of it!

Here we go!

In less than 12 hours, we will be welcoming a new baby into our family!  The emotions are extreme... it should prove to be a beautiful day, but not without its mix of painful memories.

Tommy is still very excited about the new baby, but seems a little concerned that this baby may not live.  Despite being a tenacious 5-year-old, he has wisdom of someone 10 times his age!  He has such a good heart.  We talked for a long time about giving our fears to God and immersing ourselves in prayer, because after all it is in His hands after all!  I am so excited that this opportunity will give my son a chance to draw closer to his Lord.

The next post should have some exciting news and pictures - keep us in your prayers!

Big Brother

I'm so happy that Tommy is so excited to be a big brother!  Tonight he sang to the baby.  Poor kid, he can't carry a tune better than either of his parents (or at least his mom...)!

We had an ultrasound yesterday and the baby is already 4 pounds!  I guess I really should finish painting the nursery... it's actually going to be the first full blown decorated nursery we've had.  We moved in when Tommy was 4 months old, and decorating and painting in a brand new house went very slow.... I would still have to say that the house is more "lived in" than decorated, but with all the stuff, who has time to notice?

Please pray for us as we approach some huge life changes when this baby arrives.. we are seriously considering whether or not I should return to work.  Both Tom and I want to do the best we can for our kids, but knowing what's best can be tough!